Happy Nina Day!!

HAPPY NINA DAY!!

Nina at preschool a few months before the diagnosis

Today is Nina's 7th birthday!!! My friend Tash sent me the above photo yesterday and it took my breath away!!! What an amazing gift to be reminded of the joy and happiness that radiated from Nina on the heels of the 1-year Anniversary of her going to Heaven. 

To say this week and the month leading to February 21st was painful does not begin to describe the agony we live each day since losing our angel. However, receiving this new photo of Nina was like getting a kiss from my precious honey girl. How I wish that kiss was happening right now, cuddling in bed with her and waking her up with my goofy-sounding rendition of Happy Birthday. I got to do that for 5 glorious years! Today and here on out I will settle for her kisses from Heaven!

This morning I looked up the "meaning" of Nina's name and this is what I found:

In Portuguese, Spanish, Russian and French it means Little Girl.

In Native American it means Strong & Mighty.

In Hebrew it means Gracious, Affable, Beautiful Eyes.

And in English it means With Favor and Grace.

How perfectly do these meanings describe our Angel!

Nina was and IS forever our Little Girl, Strong and Mighty, who is Gracious, Affable with Beautiful Eyes and who above all is With Favor and Grace!!!!!!!!!

Today, Teddy started a new tradition in Nina's honor. From now on, we declare that February 23rd is Happy Nina Day, a National Day of Happiness where we bless someone with a bit of happiness. As such, each year we are going to celebrate Happy Nina Day by giving a bit of happiness to an underprivileged little girl. This year, Teddy picked a couple outfits for a sweet little baby girl named Ruby and this afternoon he took her his gift and a little gift for her big brother Erick. We encourage everyone who reads this blog to do the same thing every February 23rd! Nina was very proud of her big brother today, as she always is!

In her short life here on Earth, Nina taught us all how to live beautifully and seize happiness in every instance! 

NINA IS OUR ETERNAL GIFT.....so.......HAPPY NINA DAY to all!!!!

Nina's true heart made her this card today

Beautiful Angel!

Rebuilding

August 21, 2011

Six months.

Six months without Nina.

One year.

One year after the diagnosis that changed everything.

It feels like yesterday, but then again.......like a lifetime ago. 

I have spent the past six months rebuilding the remnants of a fractured life. Step by step, hour by hour, minute by minute I am constantly reminded of the beauty, strength, courage, sass and happiness of the little angel I had the privilege of loving for almost 6 glorious years. Not a single day, nor single hour passes by where I am not drawn to a memory of my precious girl. Sometimes these memories bring a smile to my face and add a spring to my step. Other times, these memories release a penetrating pain so powerful that it seems almost impossible to breathe. But just when I feel like I cannot possibly take another breath, Love comes and holds me up. Even in the midst of horror and tragedy, life still blesses us. I cling to this truth most of all!!!

To say that life has changed is an understatement. Life will never be the same. However, the pain of nursing and loving Nina to death has transformed me and my life in the deepest and most profound of ways. Gratitude, Compassion and Happiness is how Nina transformed her mama and for that I am eternally thankful!

Gratitude is how I begin and end each day. We are all living on borrowed time. I always understood that sentiment but now it is a truth that runs through my veins and that I feel with each beat of my heart. As such, I am grateful for every blessing, every smile, every tantrum, every hug, every kiss, every snotty retort, every annoyance, every bit of courage, every success...... every single bit of the entire "bowl full of cherries" or "bowl full of shit" (all depending on what is going on at that specific moment). I have learned that the "shit" is just as big a blessing as the "cherries" because it means we are here and that we have each other. Bottom line, life, in all its iterations, is a blessing and worth being grateful for! That does not mean that life is pain-free. On the contrary, it is through pain that true gratitude can be born.

Compassion is a choice I make daily, sometimes on a minute by minute basis. The pain of losing Nina has taught me that there is no room for hatefulness in life, only compassion. However, I have also learned that compassion does not mean that you sacrifice yourself to unkindness, pain or injustice. Quite the opposite. It simply means that you can simultaneously take care of yourself and choose to treat others with kindness and dignity, even in the midst of hateful behavior. 

Last, but definitely not least, Happiness, is the "Nina theme" I claim as the soundtrack to my life. Life is literally too short and too precious to not insist on building happiness, even in the smallest of ways. Nina's life was a beautiful and powerfully vibrant testament to happiness and how it is each and every one of our responsibility to make our lives count!!! Happiness is not over-rated. It is what we must strive for. We are blessed by life and therefore we are obligated to bless those around us by creating happiness!!!!!

Rebuilding is not easy! Far from it!!!! However, I am blessed by love and I am blessed by Teddy.

Teddy is doing extraordinary!!! I cannot even believe that I am able to say that, but it is the truth. If someone had told me a year ago that after the worst possible year, Teddy would be stronger, braver, and solidly happy, I would have told them that they were lying. However, Teddy is. He is the most amazing person I know!!!! This past week, he just spent 4 days with his best-friend Niels in Irvine. As I drove him down to the Dawson's  I asked him again if he wanted me to stay with him. "No mom, I can do this all myself. I've got it!" And boy did he do it! Teddy has never been away from me or his dad at the same time, and to finish his summer, after the most disastrous year a child could experience, this way is nothing short of a miracle!!!! As I write this entry, I am convinced that Nina is in Heaven giggling at all of the antics her brother, Niels and Sander got into!!!!

For the past six months I have avoided posting this final blog entry. It was too painful to think about, much less actually do! However, at the heels of the 1-year anniversary of the diagnosis and the first 6 months of life without Nina, it feels appropriate to thank everyone for their constant love and support and to remind everyone how Nina has transformed us all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nina leaves a tremendous legacy and it is up to us all to never forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayers

This morning I met with Joanne Singer, one of the loveliest and tenderest people I know and a brilliant researcher and academic I have admired for well over a decade. As I was leaving her office, Joanne reminded me that thousands of people are praying for me and my family. As I walked down the stairs in the education department, the truth of her comment began to resonate with me.

By the time I had buckled myself in and drove off of USCB, tears were streaming down my cheeks. Joanne was right. She was so right!!!!

For 7 months, thousands upon thousands of people across the globe have been praying for Nina and the rest of her family. Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, Hinduists, Agnostics and even Atheists have been praying in unison. Through this process my faith has been transformed. I struggle with the heaviness I feel of being abandoned by the God I love........but truth be told (when I'm not being stubborn and allow myself to reach beyond the pain) I understand that God has never abandoned me. On the contrary, I have been blessed continuously and Joanne's words reminded me of that truth. The reality is that my faith is palatable now. It does not fit a box or a name or a creed but it is truer than prior to August 19th, 2010. My suffering has transformed my faith permanently.

Today, a Mass in Nina's memory and honor was celebrated at the Vatican. My precious Linda has been working on this gift for the past month with her dear Italian friend Elisa who lives in Rome. Below is the email that Elisa sent describing the mass. When I read this, I had just dropped off Teddy at karate. I stood outside in the rain but it was my tears that poured!

March 24 2011,S Pietro 7, 35 am 

The square is beautiful as well as the light, today is a fantastic sunny day. Very few people, just thirty-four at the security gate. The going through the main entrance is like arriving at the waited final destination. Josè is already inside, close to the sagresty where a lot of priests are changing their clots with those for celebration. Josè does the same. Our chappel is that of St Joseph altar (n46 in the map http://www.erboristeriaedaltro.com/camereciprobeb/mappa_basilica_di_san_pietro.htm)......Fantastic! Don't worry Nina Dolores, we're all in the same boat and I'm sure now you're really very happy within His arms. Your mom is here with me, I know it, it's night in LA but she's not sleeping, she's talking with you! Josè says you're an angel now, so we've to pray to you , not for you...anyway, I'm really happy today being here with you and for you with all the people loving you...forever
Amen

Nina's life, suffering and death has moved people to pray and strive to live better lives. That is something to rejoice about!!!

Saudade

This past Monday was a hard day. A very, very hard day. It has been a month since we lost Nina. On my ride back from Mammoth, I was petrified with grief. All I could do was sit quietly and cry, hoping that Teddy and his buddy Niels would not notice. I did not want to panic the boys. Lucky for me, they were captivated by the majesty of the falling snow and the Ansel Adams breathtaking mountain scape surrounding us.

The beauty around us, pristine and ethereal, made my pain deeper. It made my ache for Nina soar because I longed for her to be beside me, enjoying the beauty surrounding us :(

In Portuguese there is a word that I have known since childhood but whose meaning did not penetrate my soul until I lost Nina. The word is Saudade. There isn't a direct English translation but it means a deep and voluminous longing that is marked by great sadness. 


How I long for Nina!!!

As we drove home from an incredible weekend in Mammoth, I longed to laugh with Nina, to see her play in the snow and learn to ski or snow board like her brother. I longed to hold her hand and watch snow flakes fall onto her precious button nose. I longed to hear her call out for me and she tried to put on her snow pants, frustrated that she couldn't get them fully on by herself. Most of all, I longed to kiss her beautiful face and feel her warm arms wrapped around my neck.

I longed.

I longed.

I longed.

Saudade!

Saudade!

Saudade!

As I write this entry, I am curled up in Nina's room, wrapped up in her comforter, surrounded by her toys, books and clothes. I recognize that she is always with me, loving her mama from afar but tears plummet as my heart silently breaks........

I long!!!

I long!!!!!!

I LONG!!!!!!!!

Saudade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saudade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAUDADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Wish

Today after school Teddy had a play date with his buddy Jake. It was blazing here in Santa Barbara and by the time I picked up the boys from school they were sweaty balls! Consequently, we went and got smoothies at Blenders in the Grass. The rest of the short play date was spent playing XBox.

Yesterday, we had a beach play date yesterday with Jake and his mom Holly. Both boys had complained after the beach that they wanted to come over and play video games. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough time then because of homework. So today....Holly and I made sure they boys had some time to hang out and play their video games :) They are both precious boys and have earned a bit of goofing off time!

After the wonderful play date with Jake, I asked Teddy if he wanted to go on a bike ride and adventure. He beamed and said yes. Practically every afternoon, Teddy and I do something fun together. It is essential that I model how life, even in the midst of tremendous heart break, continues and that we are still suppose to cultivate happiness. I take this responsibility incredibly seriously!!!

We rode our bikes to a nearby park, where Teddy immediately called a game of Tag. I maybe Teddy's mama but I still can give him a run for his money in a good old fashion game of tag :)

After tag, Teddy suggested we go on a hike to see if we could spot any wild bunnies. As we walked over to the meadow he wanted to take me to, I handed him a gorgeous dandelion I had found by the side of the road. He took the dandelion, closed his eyes and said, "I wish Nina is having a good time in Heaven!" He then puckered his perfect lips and blew the tiny white puffs away.

Teddy is spectacularly sweet and I know that Nina is smiling because she knows how much her big brother adores her!!!

Breathing

I put Teddy to sleep tonight. He had an amazing day. My folks came to visit and we took him to the beach where he ran around like a mad man, chasing Molly, screaming and having a total blast.

Needless to say, he passed out fairly quickly. Although I had some work and chores to do, I just lay next to Teddy and listened to him breathing. I know it's a bit creepy but I love to hear him breathe!!! I love the sound of him inhaling and exhaling and I love seeing his chest move up and down. Most of all I love to smell his breath....it smells like Teddy!!!!! I hate that I can't hear Nina breathe anymore; it tears my soul to shreds!!!

The thing is that I videotaped Nina sleeping because I knew I would desperately miss this, but I'm not ready to watch yet!!! I just want my memories of her sleeping for now!!!

Sleep has always been beautiful to me! I have always loved watching my kids sleep. They always looked so peaceful, so angelic, so perfect (regardless of how rascally they had been during the day!). But now when I think of Nina sleeping, all I can see is her not breathing.

Family

Teddy is doing marvelously. If someone would have told me a couple of months ago that 16 days after Nina passed away Teddy would be back in school full time, having play dates and asking to enroll in karate I would have told them they were just falsely trying to comfort me. However, the reality is that Teddy IS a MIRACLE!!!

He is back in school full time without any support from me. He is having multiple play dates a week and informed me last Monday that he wants to try new things in his life: first he wants to concentrate on sports then music :) More importantly, Teddy continues to talk about Nina. Most of the time he calmly talks about missing her and chats about favorite memories. Every once in a while he tears up and cries. I remind him that it is okay to cry and miss her. He frequently reminds me that her true self is alive in Heaven and I concur but explain that what saddens me is that I can no longer touch her body, hug her, kiss her.....and that it is OKAY to be sad, that it is normal.

Yesterday after school, Teddy had a play date with his buddy Jake. He had a great time, as always! When we got home I asked Teddy if he wanted a snack of sliced pears and he happily nodded yes. Then he asked if we could have our snack on the roof top :) Ever since Nina passed away, Teddy has loved crawling out the bedroom window and sitting on the roof top. He always asks for permission and I insist he have an adult present. I think he is looking for some way of reaching for independence, being a big boy. As long as he reaches for these opportunities safely, I'm all for it! I remember being his age and yearning for the same thing.

As we sat on the roof top, I asked if he wanted me to play some music on my iphone. He nodded happily and I put on one of his new favorites....Fireflies by Owl City. For about 30 minutes we sat on that rooftop. He chatted in between bites of pear and told me about his buddies, how he like the view from up there, how he and the cousins and Niels had tried to ambush the grownups, etc. His eyes lit up with each word he said. Periodically I couldn't resist anymore and would kiss his cheeks or nose or forehead. He didn't mind! Just smiled :)

Then he said the most magical thing ever.....he turned to me and said, "Mama....family isn't whose blood you carry, it's who you love and who loves you."

He said those words so matter of factly. I was left speechless!!!

He then added that his buddy Niels was his family and how thankful he was for all his friends.

I pulled Teddy into my lap and told him he was exquisitely wise and that I adored him. He wrapped his arms around my neck and said, "I love you too mamacita!"

Roof Top Love